Mentalist

 As I have told you, my current binge-watch is Mentalist. It is surprisingly easy to watch. I like it even though all the women are not my type.

I feel lucky when I watched the episode with a coroner. He still has the energy to pick fights but in fact, he was dying of some sickness and old age. He was living alone. He could have retired. He had nobody close to ask for help but Jane, asking him to witness him dying so he won't be autopsied. Once Jane agreed to it they just went ahead, didn't need to tell anybody else, didn't need to say goodbye. It was sad.

Maybe he was in my mind or maybe not. Later, for a very brief moment, I thought of the question, "what have I done?" That means for all my life I have no achievement to show for. But only for a brief moment.

My dad is far from rich but I had an easy life. He wanted me to be a doctor but I just gave up the chance early on. Not interested. I always had the answer. I can get by easily. If I want something very badly I will be very disappointed if I don't get it. That is very Buddhist. I'm always the underachiever since elementary school. I have no role model. My dad is successful but he is a blue-collar entrepreneur combination. He wouldn't how to push me if he wanted.

For the prime of my life, I was going places, had a good job that I liked. My family is proud of me. The rest envy me. I regret that I didn't take all the chances to grab the money and power to stay where I was. But being the underachiever that I am, I might have tried harder but it is not my thing. I want to do it differently but probably not by a lot. Just that if I had more money and power I would have been struggling less.

We are holding up quite well. Some work dried up because of the pandemic but other work expanded virtually. Everybody is doing well in prison, unlike somebody who went crazy.

I always say that I am ready to go because I don't have deep regrets and I am not desperate to do anything more. It is just hard to say goodbye to everything. I had a decent life. I always feel bad for kids who get the short straw being born, feeling hungry, no prospect of a better life.

Look at the very successful people like Bezo. People forget Myspace when Facebook comes out. I do have some contribution to civilization that may survive quantum entanglement. And look at what he is fucking. I'm just not interested in her. I would have more joy fucking most of the women I encountered.

And look at the iconic Phoebe Cates. I understand why she wouldn't want to come out more and attend reunions. It is just so demoralizing when we see her now. It's better for her to hide and keep the iconic image forever in our brains.

The 2nd last girl I saw was a blonde version of her in her teens. Perfect in every way. With the help of tasteful makeup. Do I worry about how I looked? No. The goodbye kiss was even convincing. We weren't kissing enough so I sat close to her asking for it without saying or doing anything. I just talked with my eyes, "you are beautiful!". She gave me a big smile, no hesitation to receive my lips, and kiss away until I had enough.

I had an easy life.