Songs are forever

Actors grow old. You may watch something multiple times to get all the plots but less likely to watch the rerun. It's not usually about you. But songs can be, because they are abstract and adaptable.

With so much life experience behind me, LOL, lyrics can easily hit me one way or the other.

"Even if I own the world I want to hear from you." That's Chanel, the original. Indeed I wrote a very short story about the end of the world when I wanted to see her one more time. She wonders why but wanted to get any money out of me for the end-of-the-world sale.

"Who is worth me staying my whole life?" That's the big question of life. Everybody is dealing with it their own way. Some go through the marry-divorce cycle many times. Some pay for it ...

"Who made me believe lovers' words?" Oh, the wonderful memories.

The Asian way of doing it, one episode every day for 100 days, is effective indoctrination with an hour of visuals, songs, and most importantly, advertisements.

Even if I own the world I still want to hear from you

Seeing through life and death,

faded clouds, light winds,

I turned around to say goodbye,

leaving only my silhouette.

The world is full of chaos; people lose themselves to win.

In the end, inevitability they all lose to love.


No matter how much,

blood debts cannot be settled even if you repay endlessly.

Shining sword and sharp saber cannot slaughter my love for you.

Tragic fate chases me to torture my nature.

Why are love and hate destined?



Who is worth me staying my whole life?

Fame and fortune are always dazzling

but they are the moon in the water, flowers in the mirror.

Leaving behind righteousness, giving up stubbornness, putting aside the world,

you are in front of my eyes but she is behind.

Who made me seriously believe in lovers’ words?

Let the years testify, waiting for the scars to heal.

I don’t need to ask for more; you are my shining world.

Will you regret it if you stay with me?



Why doesn't the sky clear after the rain?

I dream of you day and night, not wanting to wake up.

Even if I own the world I still want to hear from you.

I’m longing to search for any traces.



Seeing through life and death, faded clouds, light winds,

perhaps all the fights can be paused.

Not so fast

I thought I got away with not filing last year's taxes for now. But it caught up with me soon enough. I was in a panic.

Earlier, I found that I can do prior year taxes online but I thought it would be rather useless compared to Turbotaxes and the like. But at least, as a long time ago, I had to buy a tax CD, when I barely had a CD ROM reader even at the time. Or, I had to download an app, and to run my long-obsolete PC, the only Windows machine.

I know I should file something fast and change it a lot later if I have to, as long as I don't cause further delays in IRS processing. But I still froze for a few days before I could do anything.

I still want to open all my mails stored in the garage and everywhere for two years to find all the tax documents if they are important. One is the new health coverage documents which were painfully detailed and the first ones that the app ask me for. I remembered seeing them but it's impossible to find it now. But then I found out it was online, a big big surprise. Why they don't mention it when they mail it to you?

Next, it dawned on me that I can use the standard deduction so that I don't need any fancy forms other than W2's and the like. The chance of error and delay is even less.

The only thing left is my stocks. It was the last year that I sold them all. It used to be easy because I carefully keep the mailed form in a very safe place. I know where to find it. But the problem is, once I clicked on the dividend reinvestment box, thinking that it's a good idea. It could have earned me or lost me a hundred or so every month, mostly positive. But the big problem is, I have a transaction every month to report, not knowing it until come tax time.

Luckily, I did that already to estimate my gross income. 

Finally, I check on my IRS account if they have any form on me that I have to report. It's all clear so the IRS doesn't have anything on me to dispute my filing.

The final problem is the filing of the return. I know I cannot file electronically for prior year taxes. Mailing it will cause maybe a week or more delay that I can ill afford. Worse, to my horror they don't accept mailed return anymore! How do I file?

So I have to find a local agent who has the license to file electronically. I was hoping some will be still open wearing a mask to see me. It could be $200 when I have done all the forms myself.

When I checked out of my online tax preparation platform, I realized that they have to process it and if I want it fast I have to pay more. Sneaky!  But that is not more. They can file it electronically too if I pay more. Of course I did, a lot cheaper and faster than looking for a local tax preparer.

Before I had my questions answered, when I woke up they finished the processing and filed my federal and state returns. The next day it was accepted by the IRS. Woohoo!

The transcript will take two to four weeks in ordinary days. This is not ordinary days. Two weeks is good. Four could be seriously dangerously and more than that will be fatal. So I checked every other day.

And today I got my online transcript! End of story, a happy ending.

So I can keep thriving staying at home. I cut my own hair and everybody else in the family if they want to. All my personal care and cleaning supply are homemade, each bottle of ingredient last for many months. And I can get resupply online easily.

I have enough TP, paper towel or alternatives, H2O2 and alcohol without stockpiling. Now most of them are coming back except alcohol.

I have been using grocery delivery on and off since Amazon Fresh launched. Now I use all of them depending on who is available at the time. It's more expensive but staying at home the other expenses are less.

I rarely see other people except for escorts. So social distance and stay at home didn't affect me much. And I save so much money. Though on occasion I go online to see incredibly beautiful and sexy women.

And I discovered the air fryer after so many years. I made stir-fries in it, actually stirring as I go along instead of the wok. I made thick steaks in it. I made warm salads in it. I grill squashes in it. I may get a bigger one to fry simultaneously to save time.

That's how I thrive. Tax is not due until July.

Reflection

I'm not fond of listening to my music playlist. Indeed, I don't have one. I don't have that when I'm younger. Imagine that if you have a fav playlist in your 20's, what happens if you listen again decades later?

Too many memories. I can easily go into nothing mode, nothing but thinking about the past. That's why I avoid it.

Binge-watching is different. The stories are not mine and the pieces of music are new. But I was wrong.

Previously, I binged or caught up with Chuck, Burn Notice, and Hawaii 5-O because I watched part of the new series years ago. I just had fond memories and I am interested in the endings. The only thing that reminded me of the past is the phones! There is a clear watershed year - 2007. Like Burn Notice, the real spy consultant to the show has outdated tech. It's not just that people use flip phones, but also some storylines will be different if only they have smartphones.

Some shows write on the iPhone as a new thing. You don't see any flip phones after about 2010, while some series span across the few years.

You can see the same thing about social media. Nowadays some people joke that they finished eating when their friends still haven't finished with their IG photos. The new reality is that people text a lot, if not everything, and most if not all of the time when they are not sleeping. The most realistic dialogue is for the text to appear on the screen as they happen with voice over.

I saw a cute girl who is Chanel I + II. The guys are very acceptable and actually cool. It looked so modern, and in their own words, so city. So I started only to find out it's so old when everybody was using flip phones. It's not the worse, it's a story about several high school graduates who went on about their life. I can't help but think about where are they now after 18 years. And what I did at their age.

Another one is Sex in the City with foul language, woohoo. I missed all that learning about love into your middle age. I missed having close friends. I had but I didn't see how to keep in touch when our life turned out so different. I wouldn't want to go to reunions to talk about myself nor somebody wants to talk to me about themselves. But on TV one is born rich, one deals with millions in a transaction but one is a kindergarten teacher.

Actually, all the binge adds up and I reflected on my whole life so far. But first, I think about the life of two people. One is a high volume escort who advertises very often and were very busy making babies. I think that's her exit strategy but a lot easier than 3rd world countries. Education is free including meals, books, and computers. If the kid is not too bad, she can easily get enough loans to get through University like everybody else who wanted to.

I'm worried about Chanel II. The princess in the story spent all her time shopping just like Chanel. But the princess spent her father's money. Chanel spends her own money. She has everything now. But I don't know how she will be taking it when she goes downhill, which has started.

Also, she is not the type of survivalist. First, she can't stay at home. Fortunately, she listened to somebody and checked herself into a resort hotel. The other reason is that she can't do anything for herself other than makeup. She can't cook. She has people to do her hair and nails. She has two or more walk-in closets at home. She just has one bedroom for a three-bed apartment. This pandemic isn't going to hurt her but you can see apparently she is less groomed in her IG.

Dad had the money to put me through private school from kindergarten to middle school. It's a rather odd experience because when I lived near the country, we were near a slaughterhouse and an industrial plant. When I lived in the city, we were near a downtown ghetto.

I am gifted but highly underachieved. I had no wants, no role models. But by a stroke of luck, I entered one of the top high schools. I was always so popular. I played hard so when bad influences call me up to gamble I would just go out and get into a bus. I did my homework and remained in the top ten of students effortlessly. Teachers, if they have something to say about me, always say I can do better. Parents approved of me because I'm basically a good student. Top students always respect me because they know that I can do better than them if I setup my mind to. And they don't' want enemies when we will be the circle of professionals who are going to run the place.

The problem is that I'm not the type of boy that pretty girls and bad girls will write my name on their toilets. I'm the type of 2nd choice, husband material, and parent-approved. Even in elementary school, I had my class prefect who was interested in me, trying to make friends. But we didn't play with girls at that age.

My homies always know that I'm dangerous. When I was barely a teenager, I was attacked by a group of army brats from a nearby school. They singled me out when I was walking with my classmates to the bus stop. The youngest girls are about my age, all the way up to seniors. Most are pretty blondes in short skirts. I couldn't take a good look because all of a sudden they all attack my face with flowers.

They overdid it so I had trouble opening my eyes. When I did they were gone. There were so many witnesses but nobody said a word about it. No one will believe it. Not even if they saw it with their own eyes.

My sister has the habit of dressing me up when I am cute. Once we were buying clothes on the street market one woman came up who tried to buy a shirt for her kid and wanted to see if that shirt looked good on me. My sister was so proud. At about the same time, I was trying out a pair of jeans in a tiny shop. A young woman actually peeped inside the makeshift changing room. I have no idea why but it's too obvious. She wasn't a teen like I was. She was at least in her 20's, considered attractive.

Of course, me and my homies wanted to learn the guitar entering high school. But we all saw somebody we trusted walking away with our guitars. He graduated that year and never returned. Nobody was rich so we didn't tell our parents and let it go. Years later we will still talk about it, "it would have been totally different." We were in a boy's school. When my homies got lucky knowing some girls they would use my pulling power. But sometimes they lose out to other boys because they have a handsome guy playing the guitar.

They will use me but if they don't need to, they will avoid me seeing their girls. In my senior year, I had a model going after me! She is the same year as me, drove a car, heavy makeup highschool standard, and appeared on at least one TV ad, lower body though. She is attractive of course but I didn't get it. I never had a girlfriend and we were like the polar opposite. I was so stupid. She even asked me out subtly, so subtle that I told her to go herself as a joke. It was a very bad joke. But worse, somebody heard it all! But anyway, I think she is into the name of my school on my uniform much more than me.

I also followed a few highschool students on the streets and asked them out. I was irresistible. But I was a terrible date. I didn't know anything about girls. I gave up when school work became intense. But I always knew I would be able to pick a pretty girl when I am ready.

One summer, one of my friend's friend came home from college for a break from halfway around the world. We are all schoolmates anyway but I seldom play with the richer and more mature crowd. He brought along a new friend from college. We just happened to meet in a bar. The friend was the center of attraction as she was the only girl there. But she showed an interest in me. Indeed, she asked me to take her home.

She is considered attractive. A well-traveled rich college girl. But I wasn't sure what's going on. The guy who brought her there could have taken her home. I didn't even have a car. And believe me, it wasn't dangerous to go home alone. But it was all set, nobody objected. Nobody laughed because it looked like that's how college girls roll.

When we walked out of the door, I threw up! Big time. I usually fell asleep long before that stage. In my mind, I felt so embarrassed but I was still thinking to take her home. But nobody mentioned that again. So we just split. That is one of the things that one would say, "it could have been different."

In our group of friends, we used to have a very rich girl. She is humble because she isn't attractive. We got along because she wasn't like Chanel. She is fun because she told us things, from her stepmom, step-siblings, and how to ask beautiful strangers out for her brothers. I treated her as a friend but not close - we are so different. But I could walk straight into her bedroom to wait for her if she was late. In a way, she was making me special but I treated her as a friend.

I met all her family except her parents. Yes, I met her stepmom and played with her stepkid sister. Her younger brother asked me what did I know about the family industry. I didn't even know what their industry was and that I was studying something related. Her big brother felt a bit like we were double dating. His girlfriend felt a bit like we were both gold diggers.

Before I left for college, she told me a story about her cousin, who was very happy about her husband. Her cousin is also rich but unattractive. Her cousin got a husband who is Mr average but his job is to make her happy, like being romantic 24/7. The moral of the story is, "Do you want to be him?", she asked. I didn't say a word. But she knew I wouldn't want to. I don't know how to be nice to people. Looking back, perhaps she made it all up to pop the question.

That wasn't all. Every summer, she would call up my family and asked if I would be back for summer. That's rather odd. She would tell my family who she was but wouldn't call me directly when I was back. Maybe I should have called her back out of politeness. We were in a playgroup but that group was disbanded long ago. I wouldn't have seen her other than going out alone. That I didn't want. And I didn't know what to say otherwise.

Of course, my homies will hide their sisters. But their girlfriends don't. Why wouldn't they if they like me? One of the sisters was very upset because her parents broke up her relationship with her boyfriend. So her sister called me out and put us alone in a boat. One of the sisters just turned 16 and her sister took her to our clubhouse for a birthday party. Then I went on to take her out to theme parks and water parks, woohoo.

I wasn't ready for dating since I felt I was a loser. I continued to be an underachiever when many of my schoolmates went on to do great things. We were in the top high school after all. But when I got my first serious job, soon we moved into a big house with a big yard and white picket fences.

It's the reverse of that in the movies and on TV. It's not my life goal to get into one. I started out in one. I didn't give up an extraordinary life to settle down for some ordinary life. We didn't live happily ever after, but we have many happy years. There were struggles but never a hardship. The height charts on the wall constantly remind me of my lifetime achievement.

Indeed, the one I'm now on is about two retired world-class street racers. One a gas station owner and the other owns a restaurant in their home town. Both sons are losers but one inherited super racing skills with little help from his father. So there's hope, LOL.

I pity kids who don't know how the other half lives. I am fortunate that my kids start out in a big house with a big yard with white picket fences, in their own rooms. They had flown long-haul for holidays. One did the ice bucket challenge in a swimsuit in the balcony of a Hawaiian hotel with the golf course behind. It was the talk of the school when classes started. They know most of the islands but not by hopping. I took them home the first time from the hospital in luxury cars brought for the purpose. Their uncle let them "drive" his Ferrari without moving.

I had also taken them to state parks living in tents complete with one for a dry toilet. For a few years on the last day of the school year, they returned from school, erected a tent in the back yard, and slept in it for the first few days of summer. Happy days.